Snake oil thread

That's a rather specific thing to be reminded of...

 

People could be doing something useful with a boxful of lego bricks instead of wasting their money and life on this crap.

 

https://positive-feedback.com/audio-discourse/skogrand-beethoven-usb/

Res ipsa loquitur.

 

Oh, the Beethoven USB cable! Some Q&A from the vendor's site:

I need at minimum 1.21 Gigga Watts will I be able to achieve that power with this version or do I need the Newer version?

Well, that is the question. Earlier this year California exceeded 1 gigawatt in solar energy generation. The entire network is bussed through one of these cables in Sacramento. The outer shielding is reported to be cool to the touch. Interestingly enough, the USB connectors are glowing cherry red but Skogrand has stated that cherry red is within their operating parameters and not to be concerned about failure until the connector transitions from blue to white at which time a blast that will devastate approximately 4 city blocks is imminent. Skogrand is further helpful by stating that users should wear hazardous environmental suits beyond 1 gigabyte so my recommendation to you doctor is to keep that suit on, and your seat belt too, of course, whenever seated in the DeLorean. BTW, one of these cables slipped through Ebay in a middle of the night auction for $6.00, so there are deals to be found. Skogrand got wind of the sale and immediately stated that the warranty is non-transferable.


I am selling my kidney for $15000 to buy this cable (New one is for $14000, refurb is $1999, used is $800). Which one is best? I don't wanna be cheap!!!

Dear Valued Customer: We at Skogrand understand our customers' concerns with being perceived as cheap, and we try to go the extra mile to make sure you walk away with an expression of sullen resignation on your face and a brand new Beethoven USB cable in your hand. We even offer a gift receipt service in which we bronze and mount your transaction slip to a varnished sheet of ivory for display purposes; surely none of those jerks at work will dare call you cheap when they see THAT baby!

In regards to your actual cable needs, we would recommend you purchase one of each type of cable just to be on the safe side. Not because there is any record of a Skogrand Beethoven USB cable ever actually failing, but merely that any such failure would likely obliterate your house when the warp portal to Dimension X snaps shut, so spares are always nice to have. Also each cable provides a stackable +10 to Charisma and an immunity to HIV.


Will this double as a bungee cord?

Not if you're jumping off bridges. I've used it as a dog leash in a pinch.


HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF COSTUMER REVIEWS??

The minute I plugged this cable in, I knew something was amiss. The first evidence? The small wormhole that appeared in our living room, right next to our holstein cowhide recliner. Peering into it I could discern the snarling face of a Ferengi, likely somewhere out in the Gamma quadrant.

Then things got really hairy. Brad shouted from the kitchen that he was detecting elevated tachyon levels from our Vita-Mix, so we immediately diverted power to our forward Romco Rotisserie array. Set it and forget it, indeed.

Still no go. The wormhole continued to grow. So I did what anyone in this rather awkward situation would. I recalibrated our George Foreman Grill (about 10 picometers), ejected the warp core from our Dyson Ball Vac, and unplugged all the Magic Jacks in the house. Bingo. No more worm hole. I guess what I'm saying is that you can use this cable, but only if you have substantial Star Fleet training.




Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Skogrand forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I'm still having a major existential hangover.

Would not purchase again.


Source: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000I1X6P..._t=1401&pf_rd_p=1608755502&pf_rd_i=1001250201

 

It's time to play SBAF "Believe it" or "Not!" This week's contestant is the Furutech NCF Booster Connector and Cable Holder (available for only $350 at fine retailers near you!)

Believe it = "lift(s) audio cables off the floor minimizing their points of contact with the floor"

Not = "features a special crystalline material that has two ‘active’ properties. First, it generates negative ions that eliminate static. Second, it converts thermal energy into far infrared. Furutech combines this remarkable material with nano-sized ceramic particles and carbon powder for their additional piezoelectric damping properties."

And surprisingly it only took 'Hexa-Moons" four webpages (each containing 432 ads) to review this fine product. Funniest (and most realistic) part of the review was the last sentence: "And you get a free dopamine boost, too"

 

I should make a 3d printable version of that thing and upload it.

 

Great idea!

 

And the award for most ellipses used to least effect goes to...

 

Oh boy, my favourite "reviews" are the ones where they attempt to justify ridiculous products like this one.

You know that he knows that you know it's all a load of bullshit, so the entire "review" becomes an exercise in damage limitation just so he can escape relatively unscathed at the end of it. Marvellous.

 

That review is beyond bullshit. His justification for the price at the end is hysterical. By the way that price is over $9 per millimeter.

 

But, it's art.

 

I’m trying to imagine someone bringing one of these cables to the Antiques Roadshow 50 years from now and being told they are worth $5.

 

This one is just merely funny

https://www.stereophile.com/content/can-downloaded-files-pick-jitter-they-traverse-internet

 

A lovely antidote: http://archimago.blogspot.com/2015/02/measurements-intercontinental-internet.html

 

Some more entertaining reading, this time some multi-thousand quid Chord cables from those terrible shills at HiFi+.

"Tonally and speed-wise the music was presented differently enough that I could almost believe I was listening to alternative mixes"

Also, apparently these cables are particularly good at backing vocals. I shit you not....

"I can’t let the opportunity to mention its considerable ability with backing vocals slip either. I have been on a vocal group binge for a while now. On all types of bands from all era ChordMusic is superb with vocal generally, but the way it deals with multi-vocals and their interaction is among the best I have heard".

£3800 for a cheap-as looking RCA pair, but at least they come in a box and a faux velvet bag, so that's ok.

http://www.hifiplus.com/articles/the-chord-company-chordmusic-cables/

 

Yep, these cables are so good I could hear the backing vocals on my favourite instrumental album, too! Insanely good indeed, worth every penny. If you guys haven't noticed, this cable was used in the movie "Back to the Future" in the Delorean. 1.21 GW is a peace of cake for these cables.

 

So there's bullshit that attempts to sound legit.

And then there's this:

"The CE Generator will actually remove EMF "Bad Energy" and convert it to good energy making our stereo systems sound so much better...."
​

Well, OK, maybe he's just trying to simplify the theory behind it. But then I get to:

"I went home and built a few prototypes, put them next to my bed side and slept with them, low and behold I had the best sleep of my life and my dreams were so vivid - I just felt good. I then decided to take the devices and place them on my preamp just to see if it made a difference and I've got to say it absolutely floored me how much better my system sounded."
​

Oh for f**k's sake. You've got to be kidding me....

 

As one would, I suppose

 

https://trueaudiophile.com/hb-cable-design-powerslave-acrylic-reference-power-distribution/

For the low, low price of $16,500, you too can keep a slave in your basement

"These remarkable completely custom component power distributors from German are jaw dropping in their performance. Most power conditioners add their own sonic artifacts while cleaning the power. Many high end dealer have been so exhausted by promise and not neutrality that some have given up. These power distribution centers pass unlimited current so you can plug your demanding amps into it as well. Not many if any power conditioners can claim that which is why manufacturers recommend plugging their amps into the wall. No filters. No fuses. Just more slam, more nuances, more vibrant presentation, more excitement to every level of the music."